There will inevitably be some problems and contradictions in the life of a married couple. We are all different and it may not be easy to accept these differences overnight, but it is logical that these marital differences fade over time and both partners gain the ability to make the marriage a success. However, the average duration of a divorced couple’s first marriage is seven to eight years, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. Psychologists point out that the main reason behind this is that one of us changes every seven years, his thinking changes and his life needs and goals are different.
However, if we can understand and analyze well, a person’s relationship with his life partner goes through four stages. We can have a happier and more stable married life, namely:
1. Start-up phase
When many people fall in love for the first time, the feeling is a response to certain intrinsic motivations that vary from person to person. For example: some people have a strong desire to be free from parental constraints and feel independent through marriage, while others want to start a family and have children they can take care of themselves, while some lack self-awareness or external interests, so they automatically seek Someone who can give them that feeling, the feeling they miss. There are many kinds of motives, and the result is a feeling of admiration or affection for those motives, which means that you unconsciously make a deal with your partner, and you both promise the other great happiness as compensation for what you missed. .
2. The stage of starting a new life
During the first two years of married life, couples work hard to establish routines and rules for their lives in order to feel understood and stable, rather than wasting energy on unworthy things such as meal times, family visits, division of chores, etc. soon. Still, some couples never get past this stage and continue to have disagreements and fights over lifestyle until the marriage fails and breaks up, but most of us get through this stage successfully.
3. Crisis phase
After a few years, one or both spouses can feel uncomfortable. Because they feel that the life they built together, the routines they followed, the rules they made, no longer work for them. As a result, they experience the same sense of stagnation that many couples experience at some point in their married life.
This raises the question: why?
What makes this transition is meeting a need that couples lacked in the beginning. You’ve left home, you’ve achieved the stability you want, you may have children to give them care and attention, and now needs have changed.
At this point, one spouse often feels the urge to run away, but is now haunted by a life and family in control. All of a sudden, all the choices he made on his own became an intolerably rigid and controlled routine.
4. Stages of dissociation or distraction
A few years have passed, and the husband and wife have constant conflicts and quarrels. One of them decides to quit the game, maybe both decide to quit. They are likely to marry again according to their new needs to start a second life afresh.
Or instead of focusing on marital problems and trying to avoid or fix them, they ignore them completely and put all their attention on their children’s studies, exercise, etc.; they become fathers and mothers from husband and wife.
Others are easily distracted by work; they seek promotions, raise money, and build successful careers. In fact, these distractions may help them overcome the separation phase and complete their married life until the promotion comes, the kids grow up, the parenting phase shrinks, they may experience a midlife crisis, and the ball will repeat itself. Endless siege.
How can these problems be resolved and peace be restored to married life?
Reaching stage four sounds daunting, but it’s not inevitable. There is no need to break up your life and start over or continue in a painful situation. Instead, you can focus on the stress or monotony you’re feeling, and see your feelings as information and ways to help you improve your current situation. You have to first understand yourself and prioritize your needs, make the decision that you want to change, then talk to your partner and tell them how you feel and what you want to improve, and give them the opportunity to work with you through teamwork. You share this burden.
It’s also important that you listen to your partner, understand their wants and needs, and listen to them without letting them beat you. By this time, your married life will be easier and more stable.
If you need help deciding what you need, or if you can’t easily have these conversations on your own, seek support from a therapist, relationship expert, or someone you trust. This phase is an important crossroads in your mental life. Don’t go the wrong way.